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J O U R N A L
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Friday, April 30
[Clutching the last day]posted by peter at 10:11 .......Sometimes the hardest decisions are the most inconsequential. Take yesterday's prime example, in which Genta and I deliberated for quite some time in Shimokitazawa station about whether we would go to Kichijoji or merely back to Shibuya. The outcome meant nothing but we created stress. For the record, we ended up in Harajuku.
On the subject of train stations, I'm having a run of bad luck with the Den en Toshi / Oimachi / Toyoko / Meguro line network... I am always getting on the wrong train one way or another. I just don't pay enough attention in the stations. Fortunately I can now speak enough Japanese to find out what's going wrong when I encounter as yet unheard of stations.
Last night I had to run in public (NEVER) in a vain attempt to catch the train, which pulled out of the station all too nonchalantly as I descended the last stair in a flurry and stood there in dishevelled post-running glory.
There are things I just don't like to do in public. Running is one of them. High fives are another (and I absolutely don't do them in private either). Genta blackmailed me into doing a high five in Shibuya yesterday – I could have killed her but luckily I was able to turn it into a half hearted low five (which I am almost down with). I also don't like eating food on street corners but I have been known to break that little rule on more than one occasion.
Currently digging some wicked acid jazz CDs (think Germany, Finland) lent to me by my very cool Japanese neighbour. Seems cranking one's stereo is not always such a bad thing on my part.
Ooh an 80's night tonight, somewhere between Shibuya and Daikanyama, what will I wear???
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[!]posted by peter at 12:02 .......Should I be violated by the fact that one of my students saw fit to gift me with a pair of Banana Republic boxer shorts as a souvenir from Hawaii?
What was she thinking? Nobody should ever think of me while looking at underwear.
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[And on and on]posted by peter at 00:14 .......With such force blew the wind today that our building swayed with the gusts. An architect student told me this was impossible, only to be followed by another lurch of the structure. As I've said, our school would never survive a basic earthquake.
How swiftly came the rain last night! Dry branches of sakura gathered drops from clouds that may have come from China. I quickened my pace over reflective flagstones while the air filled with that wonderful aroma of rain (you know the one).
A footbridge near my house affords a perfect view of strange luminous clouds on the horizon at night.
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[If you can be bothered]posted by peter at 23:55 .......In amongst the inner-city dinners and student sob stories I can't help but feel that I am only existing, merely occupying this x,y,z coordinate in Utsukushigaoka, vitamins passing through cell walls and sounds from vending machines causing tiny bones to vibrate in dark places.
And I could pass it off as generational or accurately label it as selfishness, but it's still my experience right now, right here, in this x,y,z coordinate in Utsukushigaoka.
One of the best revelations I've had lately is that my life is not worth more than any other ordered assemblage of carbon and fluid and bone. Not exactly profound, but easily forgotten sometimes.
And I'm starting to think that travel wraps up simple existence in lovely layers of thrill and excitement. I envy these people who do knitting, who paint portraits or read a lot.
I just exist.
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*This sounds a lot more mopey than I really feel at the moment... it is very late on a Sunday evening after all, and I have to do business training tomorrow... hardly the most scintillating of circumstances*
[As always]posted by peter at 10:17 .......Work truly sucked yesterday because I was lumbered with four of the most unresponsive classes yet seen. It's all give, give, give sometimes... these students can be, like, so high maintenance.
Fortunately I had plans for the evening (which didn't initially include the spontaneous after-work coffee and I'm not counting the load of washing I did as a 'plan'), and like sands through the hourglass I found myself waiting outside of Harajuku's Snoopy Town. After a phone call I met (other) Pete on Omotesando and we made our way to a rather groovy restaurant where Kel was having a bit of a birthday do. Fun, fun, fun, I wore black and drank red wine.
I was quite surprised at just how deserted Harajuku can become at night. I also discovered a benefit in catching the train at Omotesando station that might make it worth the extra 160 yen: I had a seat the whole way home while the rest of Shibuya crushed their way into the aisles.
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[In review]posted by peter at 15:17 .......Sick, sick, yuck, it was with every good intention that I tried to make a fruit/vegetable juice with tomato, carrot, lemon, fresh mint and a golden delicious apple, but what resulted was a thick vegetable paste. Hardly appetising.
Yesterday I peeled myself out of an inadequate sleep and got on the wrong train. Hardly convenient. Heading home really turned into the long haul. Later, Jordy and I found ourselves in Shibuya, and the shops in the city had flung open their doors in a chorus of welcome, but being self-respecting young and interesting things we skipped on by and did lunch straight away.
Oh, the things we bought! I now have a purple tshirt with an orange and yellow dollar sign and the words "we suck young blood" emblazoned across the chest, can you think of anything better? Didn't think so.
I also bought a Cat Stevens CD and couldn't resist the pull of the Gap – I emerged swinging a bag containing a rather cool navy polo with pink stripes, I've got it on right now, there's just no stopping the 80's. I'm not really a Gap person... I think you have to be essentially a $10,000 per day supermodel to look good in their bland clothes... but hey, far be it from me to pass by a pink and navy polo.
Jordy bought a cho stylish black and silver polkadot bag, an uber cool top with a gathered section and a tres shiny MD player/recorder which is currently sitting on the floor of my room recording The Roots.
So. The day before. I worked in Shibuya in a very small school, just me and another teacher who was part time. Quite dull but easy, and the students were nice. Afterwards I met Marc and Sachiko in a splendid little bar beneath the tracks of the Yamanote line, and then I went on down to Tsunashima town to join a birthday party which persisted until the small hours, loads of wicked people and a bit more consumption of sea vegetables than I care to admit to.
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[Some time later]posted by peter at 23:55 .......I did feel rather annoyed when I realised after the long haul to the station that I'd left my wallet on the floor of my room. Devastated by the mere thought of traipsing back through the thick tropical air, I salvaged some yen from my manbag and decided to brave the day sans-wallet. It was all relatively easy actually, although I've just identified a problem in that I borrowed money from Sarah and won't see her again before she gets back from Thailand. Not such an issue I don't suppose.
As for everything else, whatever. I bought some thongs this morning (or flip-flops if you prefer), a Converse quasi-camouflage pair, but it seems that they are rather large and somewhat uncomfortable.
That's it really. I'm working in Shibuya tomorrow, which should be interesting.
[Ready to strike]posted by peter at 01:22 .......Let me make it very clear that summer is here. At least that's my belief. But I'm told we are nowhere near the very worst, which is to enter my reality sometime in June.
Tonight during the ridiculously profuse not-so-unexpected downpour, the streetlights along the suburban path looked like shower heads that had been fitted with globes. The whole scene became one of vast surreality, as if I was walking between endless ranks of gushing shower heads, at night, in public space created by none other than the veritable Tokyu Corporation.
'Gushing' is a word that must never be used.
I love it when things become warped by natural phenomena, although I don't include earthquakes in the positive category.
I'm frustrated by the hyper-seasonal nature of organic produce. I cannot get pumpkin at the moment and it's driving me insane. I had no other choice but to buy a pesticide-laced version from a generic supermarket. How uncouth.
The best news of all is that I'm remarkably calm in the way I'm approaching this communal living, even braving the showers with nary a negative expression. I really need to get some thongs though, to protect my feet from residual fungus and whatever.
A pigeon flew aggressively at my head yesterday – it was carrying a stick in its beak – and I flinched at the hideous bird, but took it as a sign that our fine feathered friends go only for the eyes all the world over.
The only way I can cope with this humidity is by listening to Billie Holiday.
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[And now there's no time]posted by peter at 19:00 .......Totally out of control in ghastly times, I'm boring people with stories about sleeplessness and my blender, a night out in Kawasaki and two coffees, each from a different franchise, to get me through a day where barely a single cohesive thought graced my skull with a visit, no those businessmen probably didn't care about the ice cap in Greenland, and what answers do I expect to vague questions about sustainability and the like, but I won't apologise because, as Marc says, nobody died.
It's all good good good and my room grows in fabulousness with each passing day as I consolidate the interior, but oh the walk from the station, it kills me, yeah and the latest 'adjective' for me is "softly", I think I'm gonna be sick, o yasumi.
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[The conclusion]posted by peter at 22:49 .......I'm almost over the fact that my ex-housemates had made not even a cursory effort towards cleaning up the apartment for today's inspection. So I didn't try too hard either.
I'm exhausted, having made numerous trips between old and new residences, as well as hitting the mean streets of Shibuya. My room is looking good – I bought a whole bunch of plants – and I'm starting to feel quite at home, even in the shared bathroom.
[The residence]posted by peter at 01:05 .......I now officially live in Utsukushigaoka. It means 'beautiful hill', apparently. The move was made much easier by my decision to dump everything in a taxi. And thus the suburban Yokohama dream continues – indeed it is possible to walk the full way from my house to the station on a specially laid path that is currently adorned with azaleas and flanked by flowering trees of some kind. It's a sure sign of suburbia.
But I like it. Hmm, the 50's idea isn't exactly materialising – at the moment I have tshirts hanging on the wall as a feature (which looks better than it sounds), but tomorrow I plan to get a bit out of control with living plants, origami paper and hanging resin/plastic dividers or whatever they called.
Tonight I met some workmates and we ventured to a rather lovely little Italian cafe that I'd had my eye on for some time. It was a generally fun evening although I came away feeling confused for one reason or another.
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[From, to]posted by peter at 09:27 .......After my initial wave of Fuji Rock enthusiasm, I've now done the sums. First of all, you can only buy three day tickets, which are the better part of $AU400. Travelling to the festival by Shinkansen would probably be in the order of $AU200. Then there is accommodation. And the fact that those days would be difficult to get off work.
I'm not so sure I can go anymore, but hope never really dies. Is it really worth that much?
Think of me today, moving, moving, moving. At least it's not raining.
I have this vision of kitting out my new room in 1950's style, but it remains to be seen...
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[Maybe it's time to make a b-line]posted by peter at 01:39 .......As if I wasn't touchy enough about the whole 'gentle' thing, here is an excerpt from my official evaluation, written today by a previously unencountered, non-Japanese trainer, no less:
"Peter, you are confident and gentle when presenting your lessons..."
Can you fucking believe it? This is official documentation, a copy of which will be faxed to the head office in Osaka. Like, what part of "I am 100% totally violated right now" don't you understand?
Whatever, I'm eating dark chocolate with fresh strawberries at the moment.
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[The parasols are out]posted by peter at 11:36 .......Two very horrible and unforgettable things I can't believe right now:
1. That I was just seen walking down busy streets in broad daylight carrying essentially a bed (ie. a futon) and a sports bag.
2. That I am actually moving into a guest house with 40+ people sharing a communal kitchen and numerous bathrooms. This will indeed be a test of my tolerance and my resolve. It will save me loads of money. And actually has the potential to be really fun.
Oh I have just three words to say: Fuji Rock Festival.
Pixies, White Stripes, Múm, the list goes on, it's bloody expensive but I have to go.
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[Curiosity killed]posted by peter at 22:29 .......The whole thing was of course just a pure marketing exercise (that much I had actually gathered yesterday), but when I rang the hair salon tonight, the girl I spoke to said "you are a nice guy, I want to cut your hair." Not sure I want to change hairdressers though, what with that whole already onto a good thing scenario and all.
Today's clear skies lured me to Yoyogi Park with Genta. We caught the last of the cherry blossoms and chatted about modern things. Back to Shibuya via Harajuku, waved her goodbye and made my way to Daikanyama, I swear I can't think of a better place to live but the Japanese rental system makes it all so difficult.
I still haven't done any housework. This is becoming ridiculous. But I cranked up my blender for the first time, whipping up an extremely thick smoothie with organic banana, soy milk, silken tofu and raw sugar (thanks to Jordy for the inspiration); ideally I'd use Manuka honey as a sweetner but you make do with what you have in these desperate times.
I love my blender so much it's almost unhealthy.
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[Yet again]posted by peter at 17:24 .......Never let it be said that I don't attract unusual circumstances.
Today while I was casually strolling between the international supermarket and the fruit shop (swinging linen shopping bags and wearing my Achtung Baby tshirt beneath a vintage striped button-up and my nonchalant grandpa jacket) I passed two people standing on the curb who were blatantly giggling at me, but I was hiding behind two-tone gradated sunglasses which masked my insecurity quite well.
As a foreigner living in Japan, one gets used to unabashed staring so I walked away and thought nothing more of it.
Anyway, while I was waiting at the intersection two blocks away, somebody called out "sumimasen" and tapped me on the shoulder. I turned around.
The girls had followed me.
After a brief interlude of rapid and incomprehensible Japanese, they thrust a hairdressing brochure into my hands. "Please call this number," they said to me.
Wakarimasen deshita. I didn't understand.
I asked a few questions but extracted little information (I speak bad, overtly formal Japanese, remember) so I said thankyou and we parted, them kind of reluctantly, me in a more confused manner. The 'looking back' dynamic then occurred from both parties. I wonder what that was all about? Were they the bad hair police? *Sirens wailing ... I'm afraid your hair isn't sitting properly today, it's unsuitable for the public domain ... we recommend this salon* Should I call the number?
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In other news, I took my shoe in to be repaired today (so as not to catch the broken sole on the stairs and plummet to my death) and they didn't charge me a single yen. Again, wakarimasen deshita, but it's not something to complain about.
Japan is a strange land.
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[The first plate]posted by peter at 22:51 .......I just felt my first earthquake. Just then. A minute ago.
Absolutely sickening. The whole apartment building lurched.
There have been quite a few in the last week or so, but I've slept through them all.
I don't know if this abundance is like the earth releasing some tension or if it's just a prequel to the Big One.
Horrible.
[Let this thing run itself]posted by peter at 22:28 .......I'm such a last minute person. I can feel myself putting off the packing and cleaning. My room is still strewn with the detritus of my sister's visit... the usual ticket stubs, brochures and the like. There appears to be a permanent heap of clothes dumped against one wall – all clean – but it contracts and expands as I take garments away and add freshly washed batches. The tatami itself is probably basking beneath a fine layer of dust but I'm not getting close enough to the floor to find out.
Worse still there is mould growing in the bathroom. I take no responsibility, but it has to be obliterated. I don't think it's my job though.
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Oh my gosh I can't believe I haven't mentioned that I have the whole apartment to myself this week.
My flatmates are in Thailand, which is a story in itself, but I ain't touching it in the public domain. I can't tell you how much I am loving living alone!
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Increasingly I am finding myself genuinely caring for the students at work, both personally and professionally. Hmm, did that sound creepy? But it's true. I actually like (most of) them. I hate giving bad lessons. I love it when I can tell they've learnt something and enjoyed themselves (one thing working in my favour is that I can usually get them in fits of laughter easily enough).
The bad thing about this inexplicable duty of care is that it's going to make it quite difficult for me to leave a lame company which really couldn't give a flying fuck about its employees. Luckily our school is quite isolationist. We generally have our own approach and try to keep the company association as nominal as possible, which results in happy students. We won an award for the highest resign rate in our area.
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And happy Easter, not that I'd know about it were it not for the (atrocious) kids' curriculum. Japan seems not to have embraced this religious festival in the same way it threw itself into Christmas (aesthetically at least), and there is nary a sign of a chocolate egg. This doesn't bother me. In theory the absence of merciless commercialisation should raise the spiritual potential, however finding an English service always involves a bit of a trek through the sinewy Tokyo train network. I hope I can attend church but my aforementioned spiritual crisis tends to rule out anything charismatic, which might present a bit problem given the dominant Western influences in this city.
So many cool things exist here. But so too do many things that delve into new depths of lameness. No wonder people end up hardened.
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[By the time you get back I'll be gone]posted by peter at 22:31 .......I can't think of anything more exhilarating than an early morning trip to Shibuya to buy an electrical adaptor. But verily did it come to pass.
And then today I put a big fuckoff scratch on my watch by accidentally grinding it against the classroom doorknob. I'm a little bit fucking hung up about it, but I've just come to expect such events because it seems that every nice thing I've ever owned has been in some way marred by clumsiness.
I listened to a Pixies song on repeat the whole way home and then strutted haughtily out of two supermarkets because they didn't have properly-grown eggplant. I'll cook something in a little while and then I have some notion of cleaning my room – it's in a vile state at the moment and would benefit from a basic tidyup.
If only I could bake here! No oven means no almond meal based chocolate mud cake, but don't think for one second that I've forgotten about the poached pears, mascarpone, cinnamon and fruit compote idea because it has only been delayed. Delayed... that's all.
I move in exactly ten days. Looks like I'll be doing the guesthouse thing for a while – just something local and convenient with at least one wicked person to cling to. In fact I think it's going to be a bit of a Dawson's Creek reality, because there's talk of sneaking out of upstairs windows onto the rooftop in the summer, and then we'll set up cushions and tealight candles and assorted food and thrash at our eyes and skin in a desperate attempt to drive away mosquitoes, oh hit me with the humidity now...
[Cut, copy]posted by peter at 00:59 .......Sweet April 5 was the anniversary of my Melbourne move. And yes I had a reflective few seconds because I'm not sure how I feel about the last year of my life, mainly because it didn't match the time-honoured tradition of career commencement. I've been so anti-career and anti-ambition for so long, but I've got to question whether or not this is just a protective mechanism designed to cope with the fact that I have no direction.
I really envy these people who find a job they can be passionate about. Since it was not my fate to be a member of the idle rich (a shame really – I would have done it so well), work is necessary. I've always been of the opinion that work is secondary to lifestyle, but then sometimes I ask myself whether career satisfaction actually is a healthy part of life? Not in the greed-driven sense, but in a feeling of accomplishment and maybe purpose. Whilst my leisurely loll through the world of Melbourne's cafes and arthouse cinemas was thoroughly enjoyable, I don't really know how much I have to show for it. Yes, life experience. Yes, amazing friends who I love. LOVE. But not much on the career trail. Sometimes I feel like my five years at university haven't really amounted to much. I have the skills but a terribly low desire to apply them.
And then I get angry at myself because this insecurity is mobilised by antediluvian notions of "proper living". I think a lot of unhappiness is caused by comparing oneself to ideal constructs – where should I be right now? Maybe the answer actually is Yokohama, Japan. But I can never be sure.
I hate the fact that at least once a day I run through my so-called future options. I hate the fact that I let it get me down. I hate the fact that for the last six years of my life I've focused so much on comparing the present to the past that I haven't realised I've actually enjoyed the present until it becomes a figment of the past.
Right now. At this moment of the world. Is this happiness?
So what of the future? Should I study? Should I use my degrees? Should I write more pretentious and self-congratulatory codswallop? Should I spend the next umpteen years flitting about the countries of the world subsisting on an English teacher's salary (which is actually quite decent in Japan)?
Don't even get me started on relationships. Relation-whats? (And the fault here is all my own.)
As I've said: twenty four and insecure. Nearly. Less than one month to go.
I'm ready for something terribly modern and fabulous to happen.
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[Up on the box on the street]posted by peter at 18:58 .......Currently feeling a bit stupid because I just spent my last lesson politicising about vegetarianism. This is exactly the last thing I want to do, particularly when language limitations impede communication. My ever-so-stylish combination of valid rhetoric and banal reasoning (statistically vegetarians live longer being the basis of one memorable quote) left a bad taste in my mouth.
I have a set of reasons that inform my choice but articulating them is a complex process fraught with intricacies and counterarguments. It kind of boils down to (or maybe reduces to a thick syrup of) ecological sustainability + ethical, cruelty-free treatment of animals.
And I know I'd be as well banging my head against a brick wall as thinking I'm going to change anything, which is why I don't politicise and why I'm annoyed that I did. Particularly with one of my most likeable students.
At the same time it irks me that I'm expected to provide reasoning for my choice. Perhaps being a "different vegetarian" (bit unusual, bit different) was an attractive construct for me in early high school but now I just want to get on with my life without having to explain myself every two seconds.
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And then it occurred to me that I'd misaddressed a parcel to Jess who is currently living in exactly the same single fronted South Yarra cottage which I myself occupied less than five months ago. What has become of my memory? And, more importantly, what has become of the fabulous thing I sent her?
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[And I said... I said to her]posted by peter at 16:46 .......I don't know what it says about a person when they respond to sadness by binge-purchasing organic food. I'm a little concerned. Finding yet another organic shop in my neighbourhood this afternoon was the last thing I needed, but I now have potatoes and have participated a strange conversation about miso in fragmented Japanese with an enthusiastic native speaker who was only too happy to prattle away despite my clearly stated lack of understanding. Bless her heart.
And in the other (favourite) organic food shop (where I bought countless other foodstuffs) I tried to tell them that I was cheering myself up by cooking, but dreadful grammar and word misappropriation (not to mention inflexion errors) led to something along the lines of "sister... my... Australia... went home... today... slightly sad... cooking... happy" which should be communicative but the shop people seemed perplexed.
Actually, what a lame thing to say.
I don't know which is more important in Japanese, grammar or vocabulary, but I throw both at them unrepentantly.
One will have inferred that Sonia has in fact left. I feel traumatised and deflated; it was so nice having her here even if she is slightly daggy. :)
So I suppose I'd best get this cooking underway, although it still seems a little early. My throat is getting increasingly sore by the minute and I don't fancy struggling through classes tomorrow with a burgeoning cold. How can I ever work again?
[Digestive]posted by peter at 09:20 .......That was detox by no definition what with a triple choc Twix, chocolate pecan pie, some other cake with walnuts and cranberries, peanut butter M&M's, a maple oat nut scone, coffee and a large cream-smothered hot chocolate included in the day's intake.
Oh my, at least the cakes were vegan.
Sonia departs this land today, which I'm none too happy about. I always think it's strange with holidays (or 1 or 2 year stays overseas, because I'm like, so acquainted with them) in that initially it seems like you have all the time in the world but then suddenly relativistic phenomena take over and you're left with one day and a thousand unvisited tourist attractions. Still, life is a selective process and you do what you can with your alloted time.
Take care out there please... today has a strange feel about it.
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[All your dreams]posted by peter at 11:05 .......So much has been accomplished, including a light sunburn which will no doubt turn all my freckle pigment up a notch or two.
Apart from Mt Fuji we also hit Disneyland!! I loved it in a slightly reserved way. When you live in a country that isn't real, going to something that is even less real is even more of an experience.
Anyway, most of the day was spent waiting, because it's school and university holidays and therefore most of the rides had waits of up to 180 minutes. Were it not for a book ahead system (which allowed you to reserve a spot five hours in advance that meant you'd have to wait less than an hour at the reserved time) we would never have been on the big log raft ride, whatever it's called, but we did manage the spinning teacups with some unapologetic pushing in and numerous smaller rides which actually were quite marvellous.
Despite the ridiculous undercatering (3km lines for the popcorn stalls) the place really is fun. I don't know about it being the happiest place on earth (children trapped in 90 minute queues kind of put an end to that idea), and I generally dislike Disney characters, but I couldn't help but smile and become mildly hyperactive at times.
This is probably the one place in Tokyo where I've seen the fewest foreigners, and sometimes it felt like the three of us (Sonia, Jordy and I) were part of the spectacle as groups of children and sometimes university students giggled and waved for no good reason. I pretend to hate it but we all know I love it.
The production design and execution at Disneyland is amazing. The food may be vile but everything else looks good. Really good. And at night it was even better as dull lanterns lit the themed areas and made some of the rides even more convincing. Fireworks over the castle were naturally the evening's highlight, and we oohed and aahed like the best of them. After a good 10 hours or so we announced firmly that we were over it, went for hot chocolate outside the gates, trekked home and drank alcohol at a nearby izakaya. Fun fun fun, will the magic never end?
Organic detox today.
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